"The only way it'll stop being a man's world is if we get the boys out there in their short shorts cheering too...mmmmmm......" --Helen
"Like my new shoes? They pinch my toes and give me listers but they make my legs look hot so I'm gonna buy another pair." --Quinn
"Jane on a school team. That's pathetic. Hey, if she's the pathetic one, why am I talking to myself? And more mportantly, why am I waiting for a reply?" --Daria
"(reading cover of "Waif" magazine) 'Thin thighs for your man.' But I don't like men with thin thighs!" --Daria
Epi: Fair Enough
"Volunteers are desperately needed. Those who refuse to volunteer must voluntarily purchase a ticket for ten dollars or voluntarily face suspension." --Ms. Li
"I will make a dainty garland for my neck, and choke." --Daria
"Besides, I had to get out. Trent discovered a new chord." --Jane
Marina: Oh, come on Daria, you must have some goals.
Daria: My goal is not to wake up at forty with a bitter realization that I wasted my life at a job I hate because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens.
Tiffany: Does this picture make my nose look too close to my mouth?
Quinn: No, they're a comfortable distance apart.
Episode 207 - The New Kid Daria: You were trying to buy my influence with a date? Quinn: That's how we do it in America, comrade. Daria: I had to resign from Yearbook. It was a question of ethics. Helen: Again? Jake: Don't worry, she was on staff for a week, she can still put it on her college application. Daria: No questions about ethics here. Jane: I told you: first date, stick to vandalism and loitering, but you always have to be different Daria: I can't believe you're trying to bribe me... with singles. Helen: Sweetie, it's not a bribe, it's a deal. Honestly, you're worse than my clients. Episode 206 - Monster Jane: He wanted you to watch your birth? That could scar you for life. Daria: The birth itself did that. Mr. O'Neill: Don't you want to sit in front, Daria? Daria: I'd love to, but, uh... you know, I'm afraid of an air-bag injury. Mr. O'Neill: Oh my gosh, I'm sorry, what was I thinking? Of course you must sit in the back. Kevin: I was trying to do it in slow-motion, like Jodie said. Brittany: You add the slow-motion part after, you idiot! Don't you? Daria: Let's face it. Most people would rather watch a movie than read a book. It's fast, it's easy, and you don't have to worry about your lips moving. Quinn: Oh my God, they've been... they've been zooming! You better not zoom that thing. Stop zooming, I mean it! If you can see any of my pores on camera, I sear I'll kill you. Stop the tape! I do not have pores, my pores are cute, my pores are tiny! You're fired! Episode 205 - That was then, this is dumb Daria: Just be yourself, that's what you always told me. Helen: I could kick myself for that. Willow: You have a very old soul. Daria: It just looks mature for its age. Quinn: Daria, you can't leave me here with those, those yuppies! Daria: Yuppies are from the 80s. Quinn: So, what do you call people with funny outfits who talk about peace and love and stuff? Daria: Trekkies. Quinn: Daria, do you think long distance relationships are a good idea? Daria: Yeah. Why don't you and I try one? Ethan: Breakfast? I thought it was lunch time. I'm going back to bed. Daria: I think he stopped breathing. Jane: Nah, he's entering a dormant stage. In about ten years he'll emerge as a butterfly. I guess you're going to wait. Episode 204 - I Don't Helen: Jake, we're here to see our family. Not to have fun. Daria: I think I'm going to be ill. Is that a problem for you? Helen: I just keep telling myself that Erin hasn't had the advantages out girls had. Quinn: Advantages? Daria: You got me. Rita: But Daria, why didn't you get the same dress as the other bridesmaids? Amy: Hey, what the point of a senseless tragedy if you can't find a little humour in it? Daria: We are now entering hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car. Daria: Actually, I'm in the Witness Protection Program - the morgendorffers were kind enough to take me in after my real family was exterminated by the mob. Daffney: Well, how come you didn't get the same dress as the rest of us? Luhrman: I'm sorry, what did you say you do? I thought I heard intelligence, but that can't be right. Brian: Hey Daria, how come you're not wearing the same dress as everybody else? Episode 203 - Quinn the Brain Quinn: So she said, I got those egg-shell leggings, like you told me. And then I said 'eggshell? I told you eggplant!' Quinn: Daria, if you look your best when you blow a guy off, it makes them feel like you care. Daria: Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth. Daria: Mom, if you're gonna reminisce, I'm gonna have to call social services. Jake: Honey, did you ever hear the tale about the ant and the grasshopper? Quinn: Ewww! Bugs? Jake: Oh yeah, I know, see I was trying to call the number for movie phone, and out of nowhere this woman comes on the line... Helen: Jake, What are you talking about? Jake: That's not the phone bill? Tiffany: But that girl is so weird. She freaks me out. Sandi: That's why I'm president of the fashion club. I'll handle her. (sees Daria) Uh.. Um.... Er... Urp. Episode 202 - The Daria Hunter Daria: I can't shoot my own mother. Not with paint anyway. Daria: I'm sorry. The maximum occupancy is one. Please exit through the front. Mr. DeMartino: Now, we're going to need parent volunteers. That is, if any of them can pull themselves away from their six figure jobs as syophants. Yes, Kevin? Kevin: My dad's not a sycophant, he's a contracter! Mr. DeMartino: Alright, Kevin, do you think that atrophied, pea-sized cluster of cells you refer to as your brain can remember the complicated instructions I just gave you? Kevin: Um... get the flag? Brittany: Come on, let's play a word game! Jodie: How about geography. Kevin: Nah, you have to like know stuff for that. What about Monopoly? Mack: Monopoly is not a word game. Kevin: I know that. Can i be the racing car? Helen: Of course, it isn't easy raising two teenagers all by yourself... with Jake. Helen: Jake, tell Daria... Jake: Oh my gosh, I forgot to fix that loose floorboard, way at the other end of the house. Episode 201 - Arts 'N Crass Jane: My mother is a little preoccupied right now. She's tracking down the source of a disturbing heat variation in her kiln. Jake: You know when you refrigerate this stuff, the pesto starts to get a little funky. It oxides or something. It's best to eat the day it's made. Jane: You know, nobody said the message has to be positive. I'm going to do something that really represents student life. Daria: Yes. Jane: To tell the truth about how much it sucks. Daria: Yes. Jane: To blow away the story book fantasy about how great it is to be young. Daria: Yes. Jane: And you're gonna help. Daria: No. Daria: How about we call it, "America's Future Leaders," and we just enlarge a picture of Kevin and Brittany. Jane: Come on, that's too depressing. How about we call it, "Beauty is only skin deep." and we attach the skin of an actual student. Daria: Oh. I like that. I wonder if I can talk Quinn into donating her's. Mr. O'Neill: You know what they say, "A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down." Jane: Not if you're diabetic. Daria: Sorry we woke you up. Trent: Don't worry about it. It was bound to happen sooner or later. Helen: Daria, that is so... so you. Daria: Is that a compliment or an insult? Episode 113 - Misery Chick Sandi: My cat, he like got into my make-up or something and like ODed on foundation and he spent the whole day puking. Brittany: It's like, I feel bad, but I think I should feel worse and not feeling worse makes me feel bad all over again! Daria: Need help filling out your picture order form? It's Q-U-I... Daria: I don't like to smile unless I have a reason. Jodie: Hey Daria, I can't get past the introduction to this speech. Can I read it to you? Daria: Does that mean I don't have to listen to it later? Jodie: Good afternoon, students, faculty, and distinguished alumni of Lawndale High. As a representative of your student council... any ideas? Daria: It is my privilege today to once again send the message that learning is no substitute for winning. Jane: and that it's not how hard you study, it's how hard you play FOOTBALL. Daria: Excuse me. Tommy: You're kidding, right? You think I'm gonna talk to you? You, maybe. Like, four hours into a kegger. Jane: perhaps after I vomit on your shoes? Daria: I don't want to talk to you. Tommy: Yeah right, you said, "excuse me." Daria: You're on my locker. Tommy: Do you know who I am? Tommy Sherman? Daria: I know the whole school is turning itself inside out because of some egotistical football player. And I've seen you insult or proposition just about everyone you've come across. So my guess is that you're the football player guy. Congratulations, you must have worked very hard to become such a colossal jerk so quickly. Tommy: You know what Tommy Sherman is gonna do now? He's gonna go out onto the football field and check out his new goalpost. He's gonna read the plaque and think about all the people who admire him. But you wouldn't know anything about that. You're on of those MISERY CHICKS, always moping about what a cruel world it is, making a big deal about it so people won't notice you're a loser. Daria: Gee, I hope this doesn't lower your opinion of me. Kevin: Ha, ha - come on, how much lower could it get? Mr.O'Neil: You probably think about the dark side all the time. Daria: The dark side? Are we talking about the Force? Jane: I don't like it when I say people should die and then they do. I don't want that kind of responsibility. At least not until I've got a job in middle management. Jane: You just made ten bucks off that poor girl's suffering. Daria: Yeah. That was wrong. Jane: Really. Next time... Daria: Twenty. Episode 112 - The Teachings of Don Jake Jane: The Lane family reunion. Dozens of Lanes from all over the country converging in one Midwestern split level to remind themselves why they scattered in the first place. Daria: That's the road to happiness and personal satisfaction. That's why they don't want you to take it. Helen: Girls, have you seen your father's spirit animal? He was just telling it about his childhood when it jumped up and scampered off! Daria: Damnit! It's my turn to say damnit! Jake: Look at that Daria, a fork in the road. If you go one way, you can't go the other! Daria: It must be the berries. Quinn: It couldn't have been the berries. Daria: You're right. You ate the berries and YOU seem normal. Quinn: No, not THOSE berries! The GLITTER BERRIES. Daria: Huh? Quinn: YOU know. THOSE glitter berries! The ones that fill your mouth with glitter and beauty when you bite down on them! THOSE are the ones that make you act WEIRD! I mean until you spread your shimmering wings and fly away! Jane: Let me get this straight. You, Jake, Helen, and Princess Grace are going camping? Like, in the woods-camping? Daria: I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship. Jane: I do envy you. Daria: Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain, and you'll have to be destroyed. Jake: See that stream? That's our drinking water! See those berries? That's our breakfast! Daria: See that skeleton? That's our future. Trent: So lets just walk in, and meet them head on. They're not going to intimidate us. Jane: No way. Hey, I think I left my inflight magazine back there. Trent: We better go get it. Aunt: And how's your sister Penny? Jane: I think she's a little disappointed in the Mexico job ma Daria "I don't like to smile unless I have a reason." -- Daria ("The Misery Chick") "I know the whole school is turning itself inside out for some egotistical football player. And I've seen you insult or proposition just about everyone you've come across. So, my guess is, you're the football player guy. Congratulations. You must've worked very hard to become such a collosal jerk so quickly." -- Daria ("The Misery Chick") "Family's gone mad. Must get them back to civilization, but no way to contact civilization because mother made big deal about cutting off all communication. What to do? (phone rings) Rely on mother's hypocrisy to see us through this crisis." -- Daria ("The Teachings of Don Jake") "That's funny, I don't remember feeling worried about anyone." -- Daria ("The Teachings of Don Jake") "(pounds on table) Damnit, it's my turn to say damnit!" -- Daria ("The Teachings of Don Jake") "Stop staring at me, you squirrel pervert!" - Daria ("Road Worrier") "Can you rig that glue gun to shoot bullets? I'm ready to end my suffering." - Daria ("Road Worrier") "Hey, does this mean we get to wander in the desert for forty years?" - Daria ("The Big House") "Careful. Don't fall off the accoutrements." - Daria ("The Big House") "Dad, these tired bones may be locked behind prison walls, but when I play this rusty old harp my soul flies, free as a bird." - Daria ("The Big House") "You'll have to excuse me. My sister wants me to stay away." - Daria ("Too Cute") "Hey, it's almost time for dessert. Could we discuss liposuction now?" - Daria ("Too Cute") "Now how are they going to explain this to the other monkeys?" - Daria ("Too Cute") "She's well liked among class-mates of both sexes. And yet, strangely, she turns my stomach." - Daria ("Pinch Sitter") "Forget it. I don't like kids. I didn't even like kids when I was a kid." - Daria ("Pinch Sitter") "But, if I baby-sat for you, then technically I'd be doing you a favor. And that simply cannot be." - Daria (Pinch Sitter) "I can't. I signed a confidentiality paper. The other scientists would be mad." - Daria ("The Lab Brat") "The whole thing's enough to turn your stomach. Which I guess is good if you want to be a model... eases the transition to bulemia." - Daria ("This Year's Model") "If you play that John Lennon song backwards, it says - imagine all the people, browsing in a mall. Isn't that weird?" - Daria ("Malled") "Actually, I may just skip college and stay home. It'll save me the trouble of moving back in later." - Daria ("College Bored") "How come even in my fantasies everyone's a jerk?" - Daria ("College Bored") "It's the soul train. Beep, beep. Get on board." - Daria ("The Invitation") "He says I should think back to circumstances that brought me happiness as a child, and replicate them. But I supposed Quinn's here to stay." - Daria ("Esteemsters") "Well, I guess I'd like my whole family to do something together. Something that'll really make them suffer." - Daria ("Esteemsters") "Don't worry, I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else." - Daria ("Esteemsters") Jane "Yeah, well, I don't like it when I say people should die and then they do. I don't want that kind of responsibility. At least, not until I have a job in middle management." -- Jane ("The Misery Chick") "When they say 'You're always unhappy,' what they mean is 'You think, Daria, I can tell because you don't smile. Now this guy died, and it's making me think, and that hurts my little head and makes me stop smiling. So, tell me how you cope with thinking all the time, Daria, until I can get back to my normal vegetative state'." -- Jane ("The Misery Chick") "A weekend on the world's tallest pile of seagull droppings is starting to look good." -- Jane ("The Teachings of Don Jake") "I hate to tell you this, but there's a big greasy spot of peanut-buttery goodness on your butt." - Jane ("Road Worrier") "But a voice in his head told him his work here on Earth wasn't finished. Some of his students weren't wetting the bed yet." - Jane ("The Big House") "Although, the clothing would disguise any electrodes below the neck." - Jane ("The Big House") "Anyway, I don't think your attitude's so bad. You probably only need one fake boob." - Jane ("Too Cute") "Oh, Daria, don't be shy. Show me your boobs." - Jane ("Too Cute") (Very out of context) "All hail, Pippi Longstocking. Hey, Trent, come look at this!" - Jane ("Pinch Sitter") "I used to help with my sister Summer's kids... till they got old enough to run away." - Jane ("Pinch Sitter") "And the dish ran away with the spoon. But Hawaii was the only state that would recognize the marriage as legal." - Jane ("Pinch Sitter") "Don't be sad Brittany. He's with the winners now." - Jane ("This Year's Model") "Well, I, for one, am very excited about this. I can feel myself getting into the modeling spirit... may I be excused? I'd like to go to the girls' room and vomit up breakfast." - Jane ("This Year's Model") "I wish there'd been a schizophrenic shut-in living in our house before we moved in. Course, we've got Trent living there now. That's almost the same thing." - Jane ("This Year's Model") "Dlavender-5, Dlavender-5, nothing to it." - Jane ("Malled") "I always look for security guards leading away someone in handcuffs. Shoplifters are the best judges of merchandise." - Jane ("Malled") "She has no family. She ate them." - Jane ("Cafe Disaffecto") "I have no friends. I walk alone." - Jane ("Cafe Disaffecto") "Can we get on with this? I have someplace to go. Television counts as a place." - Jane ("College Bored") "Usually when I have this dream, I'm wearing pink taffeta." - Jane ("Esteemsters") "I like having low self-esteem. It makes me feel special." - Jane ("Esteemsters") Quinn "The only thing worse than actually reading is watching somebody else read." - Quinn ("The Big House") "I mean, I like being attractive and popular, it's, like, me okay? So if Dr. Shar makes everybody else attractive and popular, then I'll have to be even more attractive just to keep up, and then if they, like, go back to her to catch up to me, then I'll have to go back and pretty soon it'll be, like, one of those vicious things! Where will it end, Daria? Where will it end?" - Quinn ("Too Cute") "And her new lips, all the fat in the top slipped down to the bottom. Now she looks like one of those beer dogs on T.V." - Quinn ("Too Cute") "You can't expect me to choose a boyfriend right away, that would be like eating the first pancake off the stove. You have to feed one to the dog." - Quinn ("The Invitation") "Mom! Dad! Daria is ruining my life, again!" - Quinn ("The Invitation") "They've been going out for awhile, and he's upset because other people keep asking her out, and she's saying she can't help it if she's attractive and popular, and besides, nobody ever said they were going steady. And if he does want to go steady, he's got to do a lot better than movie, burger, backseat, movie, burger, backseat, because there are plenty of guys with bigger backseats, waiting to take her someplace nice." - Quinn ("Esteemsters") Brittany "Did you see that cute little thingy with the cute little thingy?" - Brittany ("Malled") "Perky, a little bouncy, not too bouncy..." - Brittany ("Malled") "Where are we going? The mall! What are we spending? Money! Money! Mall! Mall! Money! Mall! Mall!" - Brittany ("Malled") "Did I tell you that I did this really nice thing and invited Daria Morgendorffer? Even though she never, ever, wears nailpolish." - Brittany ("The Invitation) "I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night." - Brittany ("The Invitation") Helen "Girls, have you seen your father's Spirit Animal? He was just telling it about his childhood when it jumped up and scampered off." -- Helen ("The Teachings of Don Jake") "Rule number one: Persistent questioning of parental judgment is punishable" - Helen ("The Big House") "You know, I used to wear mini-skirts. But life goes on." - Helen ("Pinch Sitter") "Seems like only yesterday I was partying with the best of them. I was pretty wild. Still am when I feel like it." - Helen ("College Bored") "Listen, is this going to require any parent/teacher conferences or anything? And if so, is this the sort of thing my assistant can handle?" - Helen ("Esteemsters") "We tell you over and over again that you're wonderful, and you just don't get it. What's wrong with you?" - Helen ("Esteemsters")